Feature

The Buzz: Videogame Piracy Uncovering!

This week, The Bee shares a sensational recording of videogame pirates in action

The Buzz: Videogame Piracy Uncovering!
In the blog o' sphere recent, there is reporting that Nintendo is making a crack down on videogame piracy, it is suing five Japanese companies that sell R4 carts. This news comes just one week after many British retailers are calling for a ban on anybody selling R4 carts because they are 'eroding' the profit 'margins'.

If you do not already know, R4 carts are for storage but as evil bonus they allow you to play pirated DS games as ROMs on the internet. For free and it is easy! It is such appealing that respectable anti-videogame conservative Daily Mail journalist Rosie Millard has bought one for her problem children.

Piracy is always the disease of the videogame industry. It is forever making a struggle for publishers and retailers who wish to make money, and it has been blamed for destroying whole platforms, such as the lovely Commodore Amiga and maybe now the PC.

When Crytek brought high-end Crysis for PC it was keelhauled by pirates, and later Crytek president Cevat Yerli has said "We are suffering currently from the huge piracy that is encompassing Crysis." And as consequence, "I believe we won't have PC exclusives as we did with Crysis in future."

Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for PC.

Of course, pirates are in defence of piracy, saying it is too expensive to buy a game that costs perhaps 60 Euros or more. They are like Robin Hood, stealing from the rich and giving it to the poor. Even though it is stealing, it is noble. It is not like taking an object from a shop.

But of course it is.

The Bee was undecided until he heard the following. Because he is a private industry insider, and special, The Bee has obtained recordings from a meeting of video game pirates in an undisclosed place in North West of Copenhagen. Listen, and I think you will be fascinate!
Tape starting.
Static hissing, like wind with gravel. Gunshots cracking and then sirens, and then a helicopter. Nearby a television is quiet, whispering with little sirens and shooting, like it is the echo of the world. Glass tinkles and there is a zipping noise, the television is stop. Then footsteps, then shouting, then banging, then the sound as the door crashes open with splintering explosion and outside floods in - boom!

Man 1: Bones, get outta the street!

Man 2 (he is 'Bones'): Speak up, boss. I can't hear ya over the machine gun.

Man 1 (he is 'boss'): You wanna get iced, Bones? Get in here!

Bones: I can't boss, they fingered me. [Static crackling] gotta take 'em down.

Boss: Christ Bones, how'd ya let 'em finger you?

Bones: One of them pimps we clipped musta canaried me to the filth, prior-like.

Boss: Jeez Bones, you dumb sonofabitch. Someone musta shot your brain to semolina.

Man 3: What's left of it, hur hur.

Boss: Shut your goddamn mouth, Knuckles!

Bones: Yeah Knuckles, shut your goddamn eatin' hole!

Boss: Shut your damn chimney, Bones! Go waste those chumps that fingered ya, and shut the goddamn door! What are you born in a barn? Jeez!

Bones: Right boss
Door closing and it is quieter, but still noise.

Man 3 (he is 'Knuckles'): Gee boss, Bones sure is dumb.

Boss: I've seen dumber.

Knuckles: Yeah, boss. Hur hur. Me too.

Boss: Every time you grease that [static fuzz] mop.

Knuckles: What's that, boss? I can't hear you over the rocket launcher.

Boss: I said get your ass over to that computer and start cracking Animal Crossing: Wild World.

Knuckles: I'll try, boss, but I'm not so hot on Nintendo copy protection.

Boss: What the frig are you talkin' about, wiseacre? It's ele-friggin-mentary source code.

Knuckles: I don't know boss. I'm more at ease with PC source code. I'm adept with cracked executables.

Boss: Christ, you worm, who isn't?

Knuckles: Sorry boss, Bones helps with out with the code that's more sesquipedalian, like.

Boss: I should've sent you into that friggin' meat grinder instead of Bones.

Knuckles: Don't worry, boss. Bones'll see to 'em.
They listen. Outside is sound of tank exploding. Many machine guns fire and are silent. A helicopter takes off and then hovers straining. Men scream, "noooo!" and the helicopter is crashing. Many prostitutes applaud. There is footsteps and the door crashes open.

Bones: Christ I'm high on drugs! I took care of them pesky public servants, boss.

Boss: Big deal, you wanna goddamn Fields Medal? Get your ass in here and start parsing that chunk of C++. We gotta get a Cooking Mama ROM on the WWW by sun up, or Jimmy the Knife is gonna use our teeth for skittles. And Knuckles...

Knuckles: Yes boss?

Boss: I got an IM for you.

Knuckles: Sure boss, shoot.
Bang of gun. Slump of corpse.

Boss: Now who's executable?

Bones: You sure are funny, boss.

Boss: Shut up, Bones. You get to work on the ROM. I'll do the askey Mario for the .txt file. It's gonna be a long night.

Bones: Sure thing, boss.
A few seconds, chair moving, then heavy rattling on a desk. Pause.

Bones: Uh, boss.

Boss: What is it Bones?

Bones: Somebody done shot my computer.

Boss: Sh- [crackling fuzz, then silent.]
Tape ends.

So there we are having it. This is the violent world of videogame pirates – not so victimless crime now! If you download pirate ROMS, The Bee hopes you are ashamed of yourself. Think carefully about what you have done, and I will see you next week!



The Bee is an industry insider who has fed on the nectar of over three decades' worth of gaming. All opinions expressed are the author's own.